Thanks for the memories

Now that I am viewing 2009 in the rear-view mirror, I have to give a big sigh of relief. Relief that one of the worst years in recent memory is now in the past. I lost a lot in 2009. My mom died of ALS less then six months of diagnosis, I lost my job - two biggies on the stress-0-meter. And yet when I look back, a lot of good came out of 2009.

Because of my Mom's illness and death, I became much closer to my family. Having her ill, reset my priorities. I spent a lot of time in Indiana the first five months of the year. I talked to my sisters and brothers more often then I had probably ever. And I had a chance to get to know my nieces and nephews better during this difficult time. I learned of the impact my Mom and Dad had on so many people, and it started me thinking about the legacy that I would like to leave.

I wasn't unique in losing my job. Tens of thousands of people lost their jobs in 2009. Looking back, it was a blessing in disguise. Being "in transition" has given me the time to really figure out who I am and what I want to do. After several months off, I realize I really do like to recruit and I am good at it.

I met some incredible people in 2009 who have given me support and the kick in the butt I needed.

So here is to 2009, a hard difficult year with some great lessons learned. As we move into 2010, a new year and a new decade I feel stronger and ready to move ahead and reach some of those dreams that have been kicking around in the back of my head.

Never Forget

It has been 8 years since the world as we know it changed. On September 11th, 2001, our country was attacked. I am afriad that too many people have forgotten even after vowing they would never forget. Watch this and this. Maybe this will remind us of what happened. So many people lost so much. But we have survived, and will continue to survive as one nation under God. Or will we?

At Home

I am back in Fort Wayne. A couple of weeks ago, when Mark and I were here, I thought the next time I would be here would be for my Mom's funeral. On Monday, after speaking with my sister, I felt a strong need to come back here, to my childhood home, to be with my Mom and Dad again.

Mom doesn't need the physical care, she did before. She is in her bed downstairs and will not be leaving it again. What she does need is the emotional support which in many ways is harder to give and takes more our of you.

I am overwhelmed with the number of people who's lives she has touched so deeply. Visits from friends abound. Today a friend from nursing school is arriving. Later another friend from church is stopping by. Who knows who else will be here. Reading the e-mails to her, I am the one who gets choked up. She takes it in stride, drinking in the words which are more satisfying then water.

Last night and today she seems so much better. My sister Cindy mentioned that she thought it may be 7 - 10 days before she dies. But this morning, Mom mentioned that she sees her parents, Frank and Clara. Clara in her nice blue suit with the hat and Frank in his overalls and white shirt. They are calling her home. She feels a tap on her knee, some would call a spasm, but she said it is her parents, telling her it is time to come home.

I can only imagine the celebration when she arrives in heaven. The line will be long of those longing to greet her. It gives me comfort knowing that she will be there waiting.

Mother's Day

It is Mother's Day, a day set aside to honor our Mom's. With the exception of my second Mother's Day, I have had wonderful days. I can remember sitting at Bennett Park for many years sitting in the cold, rain and sometimes sun, watching my kids play baseball. Funny, there never seemed to be any games on Father's Day, go figure.

For me, it is a particularly difficult day. I know that this will be the last mother's day for my Mom. What do you say to someone who has always been there for you, who has supported you for 50 years? She taught me how to be an independent woman, to work hard and to stand by my beliefs.

Her example as a wife was the road map I used for my own marriage - to be an equal partner - to give as much as I took. Most of all she taught me that marriage was equal, not 50 /50 because sometimes you have to give 90% and sometimes you give 10%.

As a mother, I drew from her wisdom and strength and also her faith. Knowing that the best thing I could do for my children was pray for them. She was there to give advice, but only when asked. She offered gentle suggestions, but most of all she offered the assurance that everything would be OK.

If in the future, I can be the same warm, caring mother-in-law she is, I will consider myself a success. She has expanded our family to include Mark, Kevin, Jack, Carolyn, Paul and Deb so closely that I am sure someone who didn't know the family intimately, would have a hard time picking out who were the children she raised. He love is that complete.

Her last and greatest lesson to me is to die with dignity. To live her faith completely to the end. to die as she has lived, a loving Christian woman. I love you Mom. Happy Mother's Day.

The Trip Home

I just came back last night from visiting my parents in Indiana. It was as always bittersweet. I loved seeing Mom and Dad, but at the same time, it was difficult knowing that our time together was limited. As I mentioned in a previous post my Mom is dying of ALS. I have been going down to see them once a month since January and stay for four or five days. Each time, she is a weaker, and has lost more motor control. The routine has changed and it takes a day or two to adjust.

The one thing that doesn't change is her and my Dad's deep abiding faith. Both of them are able to laugh over the small indignities that come with caring for an invalid. Yet, even as I type the word, I hesitated to use that word, because it doesn't fit, especially when I looked it up in Thesarus.com for an alternative

Main Entry:	invalid
Part of Speech:	adjective
Definition:	sickly
Synonyms:	ailing, bedridden, below par, debilitated, disabled, down, feeble, frail, ill, infirm, laid low, on the sick list, out of action, peaked, poorly, run-down, sick, weak
Antonyms:	healthy, well

Well, it does fit physically. But from a emotional and spiritual side she is definitely the picture of health. In fact, she mentioned on Friday, that people have a hard time realizing how ill she really is because she looks so good. She laughs a lot, and truly takes joy in seeing the parade of people that come through the house. I was amazed at not only her attitude but she seems to have a glow about her. I think it is because everyday brings her closer to the day she will be totally free of her earthly body and with Jesus in heaven.

We don't know what will happen in the next couple of months, what pain and struggles she may endure. But I do know that she will continue to accept it as she has before as the disease slowly diables another muscle in her body. She is holding on to God's promise of setting a place for her in heaven. Her glow comes from that antipation of the reunion she will have with all of those who have gone before. She is looking forward to hearing Christ's voce saying "Well done, fine and loving servent, welcome home." It is something that we are all looking forward for her. We don't want to lose her, but know she is going somewhere far better. And it is just one more thing we have to look forward to in the future.

The Best Gift

In Friday, I was given an extraordinary gift for my birthday. Four friends, who happen to be my neighbors, took me on a birthday celebration trip. I have no idea of what was happening. They picked We started at the Como Park Conservatory a wonderful place to be on a cold, snowy Minnesota day. We wandered around the plants and blooms, dreaming of spring which is several months off. We then headed to Minneapolis to the Aveda school for some pampering with manicures and pedicures. After that we were parched, so went to a local bar for delicious bloody Mary's. Our trip ended at the Ace comedy club where we had dinner and saw a show.

The day wasn't about what we did, but the enjoyment we had together. Although we celebrate our birthday's together, it is usually a couple hour dinner. Having the uninterrupted time to spend together was the best part. Having four neighbors who took time out of their busy lives to celebrate my birthday with me was priceless.

Happy Birthday Mum

My mother-in-law turned 80 on Friday. we weren't about to be with her on her birthday so instead, we sent her a card along with a letter titled "80 Things We Love about you" Each of us came up with 20 things. It was one of those things that cost us very little, but meant the world. Here is the list.

Mark

• I love you because you carried me for 9 months and gave birth to me
• I love you because you and I learned the parenting thing together because I was your first
• I love you because you have always been my biggest advocate and supporter
• I love you because you have always been my prayer warrior
• I love you because you always forgave me when I did wrong
• I love you because you always gave me hope and bucked me up when I thought the world was crashing around me
• I love you because you always gave me the birthday parties that made my friends jealous (who can forget the Halloween-themed birthday party where all the mums dressed up as clowns and especially the famous “chuck wagon western” birthday party. You and Dad always went all out !
• I love you because you were always there with realistic advice about the future.
• I love you because you helped me say my prayers. (Still saying my prayers 52 years later)
• I love you because you helped me learn that adversity can make you stronger but only if you learn from it.
• I love you because you adopted Christine as one of your own.
• I love you because when I think back to my childhood, I remember it and treasure it as a most perfect childhood. I know you say that you and dad were so poor at the time, but I never knew it, it was perfect to me.
• I love you for all the thought and care you put into selecting and wrapping little gifts for my Christmas stocking and Easter Basket.
• I love you because you never gave up on me when I was near death’s door with pneumonia when I was in first grade.
• I love you because when Donna and I broke up you were the only one who understood how devastated I was and supported me during that time.
• I love you because you and Dad did everything you could to prove to the schools and principal that I was intelligent and they were missing the fact that I had dyslexia.
• I love you for being such a great grandmother, teacher and babysitter to Ned and Ross.
• I love you for making all our house moves (11?) a fun experience, back then you always made it seem that moving was the most natural thing in the world. You always had everything 100% under control and were so organized.
• Thank you for teaching me about style and understated elegance. Did I mention that I love your Interior Designer skills? I still brag to all my friends that my mum was and is the best Interior Designer that I have ever known!
• I don’t think I ever told you how special my Groom’s Dinner was. Thank you for all the hours of planning and decision making that went into that celebration. It is a one of those red letter events that stick out in my memory. So many of the “red letter” events in my mind include you.

Christine

• I love you because you accepted my as your daughter from the start
• I love you because you were always you have shown me what a model mother-in-law should be like (not that I am planning on being one for a long time J )
• I love you because you are always willing to listen
• I love you because you taught a young inexperienced girl how to make a house a home
• I love you because you were never afraid to get on the floor and play with the kids
• I loved the times we spent at the cottage drinking wine on the porch and just talking
• I love your sense of style and color. You always picked out outfits that I would never thought of wearing that looked great.
• I love hearing your stories when you and Dad were dating
• l love the home you created in Vail – that holds so many special memories for our family
• I love you for the love and support you have given me throughout the past 25 years.
• I love the way you ask for a “light Manhattan” and say “Ok, I guess I will have just one more”
• I love seeing the joy in your eyes when you spend time with your grandkids
• I love the fact that you aren’t afraid to speak your mind and tell people what you think
• I love you for believing in me when others didn’t
• I love you for creating so many Christmas and other holiday memories for our family
• l love you for being such a great example of a Christian woman
• l love your for all of your advice and counseling you have given me over the years.
• l love you for raising such an incredible son who is truly my Prince Charming
• I love you for being a friend
• I just love you for being you!

Ned

• I love you playing the Dinosaur game with me
• I love how you always makes good food
• I love that you are so generous
• I love you for giving me a chance to get into something that I really love
• I love you for believing in me
• I love that you came to a lot of my hockey games
• I loved watching movies at your old house
• I loved the playmobile little figurines you always had at your house
• I loved that you always had something new at your house
• I love being able to swim and hang out with all my cousins at your house
• I love you for driving me to work when I was in Arizona everyday
• I loved to the toy store in Wayzata with you
• Getting ice cream when we were young
• You always bought whatever me or Ross was selling for hockey or boy scouts
• Made me to try to do my best at everything
• Coming to visit you in Arizonia
• Having dinner at your house
• I love you being supportive
• I love that you are so understanding
• I love that you are so giving

Ross

• I love how you always have peanut butter cookies
• I love driving around in your BMW
• I love how you always want us to look our best
• I loved playing dinosaurs with you as a child
• loved going to Wayzata beach with you and playing in the sand
• I loved having our own play room in your house in Wayzata
• I loved having you tell me stories about grandpa
• hearing stories about my father as a child
• I love that whenever i come to see you the weather is 100x's warmer then in Minnesota
• I love that you always encouraging us to dream big
• I love that when you visited for aunt Sandra’s wedding and we got lost in Minneapolis/Edina for three hours
• I love that during the summer you use to be always just three hours away in paradise (cottage)
• I love it when you put the pool heater on a week before we come to visit, so that the poor will be nice and warm when we arrive
• I love both of the cars that you passed down to me (Blazer & Escape)
• love sitting around talking to her about when i was a baby
• I love that you bought me my very first blink-182 CD. I have been obsessed with them ever since
• I love that every time I see you, you complains about how I am taller then you
• I love going to the Lafayette Club with you and all the fun memories
• I love how you bring our whole family together
• I love how you keep Emily and Madeline (even aunt Pam) in line

But I don't want it all

I love Rebecca Thorman's bog Modite. In her post today, She talks about work/life balance. I found it interesting because it seems to be the age old question - can we have it all? I think the real question, is do we want it all.

With today's technology, you can keep in touch with the office on a remote island beach. But do you want to do that? Have we allowed our pursuit to be connected to overcome us and not allow us to unconnect from the world and be by ourselves or just be? I feel that I am finally at a point in my life where I have acheived work/life balance. But here's the joke. It isn't a 50/50 balance. Just like a marriage, where someone is always giving more then the other work /life balance means that sometimes your work will take more of your time and energies and sometimes your life will take more. One thing I have learned, if I let one or the other be out of balance too long, and take up too much time, I start feeling the effects, sooner rather then later.

The key is to pare down or simplify the commitments you make and realize, you don't have to do everything now. There are activities and events that I want to be a part of and are important to me. However, I have found that if I over-commit, I don't do anything well.

Right now, I know the time I have with my Mom is short. I am re-prioritizing my time and commitments so I can spend time with her, my Dad and other family members. I have had to say "not now" to volunteer groups that I have enjoyed,I am fortunate in that my job allows me to work remotely when needed and I have a supportive husband.

But is is very freeing to say no once in a while. To put my priorities first instead of everyone else. I like the person I have become. I am more direct, more focused and have more fun. I have started to look at invitations from the perspective of :
1. Is it something I want to do?
2. Will it help my close relationships grow?
3. Is it a one time opportunity or can I do it another time?

I am learning to cherish time with those I love and friends who I enjoy being with. I am learning the most important things in life are family and health. Without those, you don't have anything. I love my job, but it really is just a means to an end. My job allows me the freedom to spend time with those I love.

I don't want it all- I am happy with what I have. And that is enough.

The Journey Home

Three months ago, my Mom mentioned she had some weakness in her legs. Yesterday, we learned that she probably only has six months to live. She has ALS. Although most people with ALS live for at least three to ten to fifteen years, her strain is extremely aggressive. That is my Mom, she doesn't do anything half way.

I have been so blessed to have her as my Mom. The greatest gift she and my Dad gave me was bringing me up in the Lutheran faith. My faith in Jesus has brought me through so many dark times, but also have given me great joy. It may sound funny, but in a way, I am glad that we have a time line. We have time to say the things we need to say, to spend time together and to look forward to the celebration of her life. As much as I know my Mom hates leaving us, she is so looking forward to being with her Lord in heaven. A favorite song of hers is "Heaven is My Home.

I’m But a Stranger Here

I’m but a stranger here, Heaven is my home;
Earth is a desert drear, Heaven is my home;
Danger and sorrow stand Round me on every hand;
Heaven is my fatherland, heaven is my home.

What though the tempest rage, Heaven is my home;
Short is my pilgrimage, Heaven is my home;
And time’s wintry blast Soon shall be over past;
I shall reach home at last, Heaven is my home.

Therefore I murmur not, Heaven is my home;
Whatever my earthly lot, Heaven is my home;
And I shall surely stand There at my Lord’s right hand.
Heaven is my fatherland, Heaven is my home.

Hymn # 515
Lutheran Worship
Author: Arthur S. Sullivan
Tune: Heaven Is My Home
1^st Published in: 1836

I can't even imagine the party they will have in heaven when she arrives. For she is one of God's prayer warriors. One of the stars in his crown. She has touched so many lives through her faith. She has used not only her words to share her Savior's love, but more then that she has used her actions. As a hospice nurse, she has helped many families traverse through the unfamiliar path towards the death of a love one. Now, she will take one more journey down that path. Once more she will share with us her knowledge and love. It is a path that none of us want to go down. I don't care how old you are, you are never ready to lose your mother.

But as a family, we will take this path together. It will be filled with love and grace, tears and laughter and memories. But mostly it will be filled with faith. Hers and ours. We have been greatly blessed. And God will continue to bless us.

Letting Go of Mom

As my brother Andy wrote in his blog, our Mom was recently diagnosed with ALS or Lou Gehrig’s disease. It has been difficult for my siblings and I to see our vibrant mother in her 70's who up until this fall, worked out daily and keep a schedule that would be daunting to a 20 year old, suddenly be using a walker and soon a wheel chair.

I wonder if she somehow sensed that something was wrong. Last year, she asked all of us to let her know what we wanted from the house, once her and Dad were gone. She was merciless in her mission. I was there last February for a visit and she gave me a tour of the house, pointing out the special feature of each item. Sensing reluctance in me and my siblings, she upped the sales pitch, telling the story of each item, recounting it's abstract back to the original owner. It was a wonderful trip down memory lane and also gave me a new respect for the rich heritage of my family.

When we were home for Christmas, after dinner, her and Dad talked to us about their plans for the future. That both expected my Dad to die first, but it didn't look like that would happen. Although it was difficult to talk about, it reinforced for me how blessed I have been. Not only to have two loving parents for almost 50 years, but also the rich history of our family and our ancestors. We are a family of story tellers. My Mom has recently been sharing via e-mail the journals she had written over the years. It has been a wonderful gift. She has spread before us her unsensored thoughts and comments, a living tribute to our family. Reading the memories has brought me to tears and laughter. It has given me a new perspective on my Mom and perhaps that is the reason for her sharing her unabridged journal.

I have heard of of young Mother's who have terminal cancer, leave love letters and video's for their children. My Mom is doing something similar, but in reverse. She has lived through getting our driver's licenses, minor rebellions, weddings and the birth of our children. She is giving us the gift of her memories and reinforcing ours. I realized that as a mother, she has some of the same emotions and feelings I have watching my children grow. We don't know how long we will have her here with us on earth. I told her I wasn't ready to lose my mother. When I expressed this to a neighbor at book club the other night she said. "My grandmother died when my mother was 75. My mom said she wasn't ready to lose her Mom." I guess none of us are ready to lose the person who knew us 9 months longer then anyone else. The comfort I have is knowing that when she does die, I will see her again. And she will always be looking out for me, even when it is from heaven.