Letting Go of Mom

As my brother Andy wrote in his blog, our Mom was recently diagnosed with ALS or Lou Gehrig’s disease. It has been difficult for my siblings and I to see our vibrant mother in her 70's who up until this fall, worked out daily and keep a schedule that would be daunting to a 20 year old, suddenly be using a walker and soon a wheel chair.

I wonder if she somehow sensed that something was wrong. Last year, she asked all of us to let her know what we wanted from the house, once her and Dad were gone. She was merciless in her mission. I was there last February for a visit and she gave me a tour of the house, pointing out the special feature of each item. Sensing reluctance in me and my siblings, she upped the sales pitch, telling the story of each item, recounting it's abstract back to the original owner. It was a wonderful trip down memory lane and also gave me a new respect for the rich heritage of my family.

When we were home for Christmas, after dinner, her and Dad talked to us about their plans for the future. That both expected my Dad to die first, but it didn't look like that would happen. Although it was difficult to talk about, it reinforced for me how blessed I have been. Not only to have two loving parents for almost 50 years, but also the rich history of our family and our ancestors. We are a family of story tellers. My Mom has recently been sharing via e-mail the journals she had written over the years. It has been a wonderful gift. She has spread before us her unsensored thoughts and comments, a living tribute to our family. Reading the memories has brought me to tears and laughter. It has given me a new perspective on my Mom and perhaps that is the reason for her sharing her unabridged journal.

I have heard of of young Mother's who have terminal cancer, leave love letters and video's for their children. My Mom is doing something similar, but in reverse. She has lived through getting our driver's licenses, minor rebellions, weddings and the birth of our children. She is giving us the gift of her memories and reinforcing ours. I realized that as a mother, she has some of the same emotions and feelings I have watching my children grow. We don't know how long we will have her here with us on earth. I told her I wasn't ready to lose my mother. When I expressed this to a neighbor at book club the other night she said. "My grandmother died when my mother was 75. My mom said she wasn't ready to lose her Mom." I guess none of us are ready to lose the person who knew us 9 months longer then anyone else. The comfort I have is knowing that when she does die, I will see her again. And she will always be looking out for me, even when it is from heaven.